4 attachment styles in adult relationships you should know
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Explore the four attachment styles—secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized—and how attachment theory influences your adult relationships and wellbeing.
Attachment styles are a way of understanding how we interact in relationships. The theory of attachment was first developed by a psychologist named John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth, whose research introduced the concept of four distinct styles of attachment.
By understanding attachment styles, we’re better able to recognize patterns in our relationships. Not only does this give us insight into our relationship dynamics, but it can also empower us to work toward healthier interactions and deeper connections with the people in our lives.
What are the four relationship attachment styles, and what’s the theory behind them?
There are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. Each style has distinct traits that affect how we form and maintain relationships. By knowing and understanding these styles, we gain insights into our relationship behaviors, leading to personal growth and improved social interactions.
Secure attachment style: Those with a secure attachment style tend to have healthy, balanced relationships. They can express their needs and feelings openly, and feel comfortable with closeness and being on their own.
Anxious attachment style: People with an anxious attachment style often worry about their relationships. They might fear being abandoned and can be very sensitive to their partner's actions and moods.
Avoidant attachment style: Those with an avoidant attachment style often keep an emotional distance and might seem aloof. They prefer to handle things on their own and avoid discussing deep feelings.
Disorganized attachment style: People with a disorganized attachment style have often experienced trauma or instability in their early lives, leading to mixed behaviors in their relationships. They might sometimes seek closeness and other times pull away.
How attachment styles develop in childhood
During our formative years, the way our primary caregivers interacted with us can impact the foundation for our approach to relationships later in life. While people can embody a number of different attachment styles — and evolve as they grow, understanding these early experiences can offer a path to developing healthier connections with others.
Secure attachment style development: This child receives consistent love and support. When they cry, someone comforts them. When they show joy, someone is there to share in their happiness. This reliable and responsive care helps the child feel safe and valued, laying the groundwork for a secure attachment style. As they grow, this child learns to trust others, communicate their needs, and form strong, healthy bonds.
Anxious attachment style development: This child’s experiences with their caregiver are unpredictable. Sometimes, their needs are met with warmth, but other times, they're met with anger, impatience, or frustration. This inconsistency can confuse the child, making them unsure about trusting, receiving love and attention. They might become prone to seeking approval and reassurance from others, which can continue into their adult relationships.
Avoidant attachment style development: This child’s emotional needs are often not addressed or are outright discouraged. They might learn to cope by becoming self-reliant and suppressing their desire for closeness. This self-sufficiency can turn into an avoidant attachment style, where they keep others at a distance to protect themselves from potential neglect or rejection.
Disorganized attachment style development: This child experiences fear or confusion from their caregivers, perhaps due to trauma or erratic behavior. While they instinctively seek comfort from their caregiver, they also feel frightened or distressed by them. Such conflicting experiences can lead to a disorganized attachment style, where they struggle with trust and with stable relationships.
Secure attachment style
If you have a secure attachment style, then you are likely to bring stability and reliability to your relationships in a number of different ways.
You’re confident in expressing your needs: You feel comfortable asking for help or support without fearing rejection or overwhelming others. You also know how to communicate effectively, ensuring your relationships are based on mutual understanding and respect.
You’re comfortable with intimacy: You enjoy being close to others and are not afraid of intimacy. You’re also respectful of boundaries.
You appreciate both togetherness and independence: You maintain a healthy balance between being with your loved ones and having time to yourself, recognizing that both aspects are essential for a fulfilling life.
You deal constructively with conflict: You listen, express your perspective calmly, and work toward a resolution that respects everyone's needs.
You’re resilient in your relationships: You view challenges as opportunities to grow and learn, which contributes to stronger, more enduring relationships.
How to develop a secure attachment style
With persistence and the right support, you can develop more secure ways of relating to others.
Understand your needs and triggers to lay a foundation for change: Start by getting to know yourself better. Understand your emotional needs, what triggers your stress in relationships, and how you typically respond to those triggers.
Seek out healthy relationships and learn from them: Relationships are often our mirrors, and surrounding yourself with people who demonstrate secure attachment qualities can help you learn and adopt healthier ways of connecting.
Practice expressing your thoughts and feelings in relationships: This doesn't mean just talking about the easy stuff. Learn to communicate honestly about your needs, desires, and concerns.
Be open to the insights and support that therapy can offer: If you find it challenging to move toward a secure attachment style on your own, consider therapy. A therapist can provide insights into your attachment style, help you understand its origins, and guide you through the process of developing more secure attachment behaviors.
Anxious or preoccupied attachment style
If you have an anxious or preoccupied attachment style, your needs may sometimes overwhelm the people in your life.
You fear abandonment: You worry that you will be left alone or that your loved ones will lose interest in you. This fear can lead you to seek constant reassurance and validation from your partners or friends.
You have a deep need for emotional intimacy: You often feel better when you are very close to your partner or loved ones. You might struggle when you’re apart from your significant others.
You’re exceptionally sensitive to the actions of others: You’re highly attuned to others’ moods and behaviors. You may read too much into small actions, interpreting them as signs of potential problems in the relationship.
You struggle to express your needs effectively: While you have a strong desire to be close, you might fear that expressing your needs directly could push your loved ones away. This can lead to indirect ways of seeking attention or reassurance, which might not always be effective.
Managing anxious attachment style
Recognizing the anxious attachment pattern can help you learn to self-soothe and communicate your needs more effectively.
Understand your value and boost your self-esteem: Work on developing a stronger sense of self-worth. Remind yourself of your value independently of your relationships. Engage in activities that boost your confidence and make you feel good about yourself.
Communicate clearly to build healthy relationships: Try to express your needs and feelings openly and directly. It's okay to ask for reassurance, but also learn to reassure yourself.
Practice self-soothing to manage your insecurities: Develop strategies to calm your anxiety when you're feeling insecure. This could be through mindfulness, meditation, journaling, or other activities that help you feel centered and relaxed.
Educate yourself about your needs and their causes: Understanding attachment styles and why you feel the way you do can provide comfort and a pathway to change. It can also help you communicate your needs to others more effectively.
Seek professional support to develop healthy patterns: Professional guidance can be very helpful in understanding and managing an anxious attachment style. Therapy can offer strategies to build self-esteem, improve communication, and develop healthier relationship patterns.
Avoidant or dismissive attachment style
If you have an avoidant or dismissive attachment style, you might come across to others as distant or uninterested, due to prioritizing your independence over closeness. This can create challenges, especially if loved ones, like your partner, desire more intimacy.
You value your independence: You see yourself as not needing others for emotional support. You take pride in your self-reliance and might avoid asking for help.
You’re uncomfortable with intimacy: You tend to feel discomforted by emotional closeness and might pull away if you feel someone is getting too close. This might be because you are ill-equipped to handle your emotions or fear losing your independence.
You keep a safe emotional distance from others: You might invest heavily in hobbies, work, or other interests as a way to avoid deep emotional connections.
You have difficulty expressing your needs: You have needs like everyone else, but might struggle to acknowledge or express them, even to yourself. This can lead to challenges in forming deeper, more meaningful relationships.
Strategies for navigating avoidant attachment style
Understanding this insecure attachment style can help you gradually open up to deeper connections while maintaining your sense of self.
Open yourself up to closeness by acknowledging your emotions and needs: It's okay to value independence, but it's also important to acknowledge that humans are inherently social beings who need connection.
Challenge your beliefs in order to connect with others in new ways: Reflect on the beliefs you hold about intimacy and dependence. Are they serving you well, or are they barriers to forming closer relationships?
Take small steps and celebrate your progress: You don't have to dive deep all at once — gradually allow yourself to open up and share more with people you trust.
Educate yourself to be empowered to make change: Understanding more about different attachment styles can provide insights into your behaviors and motivations. This knowledge can empower you to make changes in how you approach relationships.
Create a safe space for change by engaging with therapy: Professional guidance can be particularly beneficial. Therapy can provide a safe space to develop new strategies for building connections.
Disorganized or fearful-avoidant attachment style
If you have a disorganized or fearful-avoidant attachment style, your unpredictable responses to closeness and intimacy may confuse the people in your life and create instability in your relationships.
Your behavior is inconsistent: You might fluctuate between seeking intimacy and resisting it. You can appear unpredictable in your actions, showing signs of both anxious and avoidant styles.
You struggle with trust: You might want to trust others and build close connections but fear being hurt or betrayed.
You’re dealing with past trauma: Often, this attachment style is linked to unresolved trauma or fear from your past. These experiences can make it difficult for you to maintain stable and predictable relationships.
You fear intimacy: While you might crave emotional closeness, you also fear the vulnerabilities that come with it. This fear can lead you to create distance in relationships, even when it contradicts your desire for connection.
Strategies for addressing disorganized attachment style
Understanding and addressing a disorganized attachment style can lead to more satisfying and stable relationships. While it may require effort and possibly professional support, progress is possible, allowing for a more secure and connected way of relating to others.
Seek professional support to move past complex patterns of behavior: Therapy can provide a supportive space to explore and heal past traumas. Acknowledging and addressing the underlying fears and traumas can lead to healthier relationship patterns.
Understand your triggers to enhance your self-awareness: Recognizing the moments when you're pulling away or seeking closeness can help you start to identify patterns and reasons behind your actions.
Develop trust and stability in your relationships slowly: Allow yourself to build connections gradually, communicating openly with your partners or friends about your needs and fears.
Practice consistency in your actions and responses: Trying to create and maintain consistency can help build trust, both within yourself and with others.
Approach yourself with empathy and understanding: Be kind to yourself as you navigate your attachment style. Recognizing that your behaviors are responses to past experiences can help you practice self-compassion.
How to navigate mixed-attachment relationships
Attachment styles play a significant role in shaping how we interact in our relationships. They influence our expectations, communication habits, and how we respond to closeness and conflict. It's common for people with different attachment styles to form relationships with each other. By understanding how different attachment styles interact, you can improve your relationship dynamics.
Communication is key to understanding and supporting effectively
Open, honest communication about needs, fears, and desires can bridge gaps between different attachment styles.
💙 Explore mindful Listening during this short meditation, which is key for effective communication.
Aim to understand rather than to judge
Try to understand your partner's attachment style and how it influences their behavior. This understanding can build empathy and patience.
💙 Instead of judging, try Holding Space for people you’re in relationship with in an effort to understand more about how they operate.
Focus on your own needs to best support personal growth for others
Regardless of your partner's attachment style, focusing on your personal growth and healing can improve the relationship. For example, if you have an anxious attachment style, working on self-soothing techniques can help you become more secure.
💙 Focusing on your own healing and Self-Nurturing can aid in healing and growth for others you love.
Invest in your future by seeking professional guidance
Sometimes, professional help can be invaluable, especially for partners struggling to understand each other's attachment styles or for people wanting to shift toward a more secure attachment.
Attachment styles FAQs
What are the 4 styles of attachment?
The four attachment styles are frameworks for describing how you bond emotionally and interact with others.
Secure attachment style: You feel comfortable with intimacy and independence. You communicate your needs clearly, respond to your partner's needs, trust others, and generally have a positive view of yourself and your relationships.
Anxious attachment style: You fear abandonment and may feel overly dependent on your partners. You seek a lot of validation and reassurance, and are sometimes clingy or needy in relationships.
Avoidant attachment style: You value your independence to the extent that you may push others away. You might avoid deep emotional connections, feel uncomfortable with intimacy, and prefer solitude or superficial relationships.
Disorganized attachment style: This style is characterized by inconsistency due to a mix of avoidant and anxious behaviors. You may often experience confusion about your relationships, displaying erratic behaviors that can stem from past traumas.
What is the unhealthiest attachment style?
Labeling any attachment style as being the unhealthiest isn't constructive, as it can stigmatize people's experiences and challenges. However, the disorganized attachment style is often seen as the most complex and challenging style to cope with. People with this attachment style may experience more confusion and distress in their relationships than those with other attachment styles.
What are the symptoms of an insecure attachment style?
If you have an insecure attachment style — anxious, avoidant, or disorganized — then you will probably recognize one or more of these symptomatic behaviors:
Anxious: You constantly worry about your relationships, need reassurance, fear abandonment, and tend to be overly clingy or demand attention.
Avoidant: You are visibly uncomfortable with closeness, have a strong preference for independence over intimate relationships, are reluctant to share your feelings or open up, and tend to pull away from others.
Disorganized: You demonstrate mixed behaviors, both seeking closeness and pushing it away. You are often confused about what you want from relationships, have difficulty trusting others, and respond erratically to others’ actions.
What is the difference between avoidant and insecure attachment?
If you have an avoidant attachment style, you likely have a preference for emotional distance and a tendency to avoid deep emotional connections.
An insecure attachment style is a general term. If you have an insecure attachment style, you’re likely to experience a lack of consistency in your relationships, which can manifest as anxious, avoidant, or disorganized.
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