How to set (and stick to) healthy boundaries during the holidays
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA
It's the most wonderful time of the year? Explore how to set healthy boundaries with your family to reduce tension and help you stay sane during the holidays.
The holidays are supposed to be the happiest time of the year, but let’s be real, they can also be the most overwhelming. Between long to-do lists, busy schedules, and balancing differing family dynamics (to put it nicely), the season can sometimes bring more stress than joy.
Whether it’s pressure to attend every event your friends, family, and work hosts, spend money you don’t really have, or participate in traditions that no longer fit into your lifestyle or beliefs, it’s easy to lose sight of your own needs. But it doesn’t have to be.
Setting boundaries is an essential ingredient to making sure your holiday season doesn’t crash and burn. It doesn’t mean you don’t care about your family or lack the holiday spirit — it means you’re prioritizing your wellbeing so you can actually enjoy yourself. Boundaries help you manage your time, energy, and emotions in a way that leaves space for what matters most to you, like meaningful connections, creating happy memories, or making it through your Aunt Sue’s annual caroling extravaganza with your dignity intact.
The truth is, it’s impossible to please everyone, and trying to will only leave you feeling frustrated, exhausted, or resentful. But by setting clear limits, you’re not just protecting yourself, but you’re creating healthier relationships with those you care about. And that’s a gift in and of itself.
Why it’s important to set boundaries during the holidays
First thing’s first, let’s squash the idea that boundaries are selfish. Boundaries aren’t selfish barriers — they’re a form of self-care that ultimately benefits those around you as well.
When you take care of yourself, you’re better able to show up for others and create a holiday experience that feels good for everyone. By prioritizing your needs and being clear about your limits, you’re setting the foundation for a season that’s not just manageable, but genuinely enjoyable. And isn’t that the whole point?
Here are some of the many benefits of setting boundaries during the holidays.
Protecting your emotional wellbeing: Family gatherings can be wonderful opportunities to connect with each other, but they can also bring up old tensions, misunderstandings, or even outright conflict. Without boundaries, it’s easy to get caught up in those emotional challenges, which may leave you feeling drained or upset. Setting clear limits helps you avoid unnecessary stress and helps to prioritize your mental health.
Avoiding overcommitment: It’s tempting to say yes to every invitation and request during the holidays. From baking cookies for your kids’ school party, to attending every family event, to trying to get the perfect gifts so everyone feels special (we could keep going), the to-do list can quickly spiral out of control. Setting boundaries and saying no nicely allows you to focus on what’s truly important instead of feeling like you’re constantly stretched too thin.
Preserving your relationships: Boundaries aren’t about shutting people out — they’re about creating situations where everyone feels good. When you set boundaries, you’re teaching others how to treat you while also respecting their needs. This helps build trust and understanding, which may ultimately strengthen your relationships.
Reducing tension and conflict: The holidays often bring together family members with different personalities, opinions, and lifestyles, which can feel stressful and overwhelming if you aren’t prepared for it. Without boundaries, these differences can lead to arguments or hurt feelings. By setting clear expectations, you can navigate tricky situations more smoothly and create a more peaceful environment for everyone involved.
Making space for joy: At the end of the day, the holidays should feel special and meaningful — not like a marathon of obligations or an endless amount of stress When you set boundaries, you free up time and energy to focus on what truly makes the season enjoyable for you, whether that’s relaxing with your favorite holiday movie, catching up with close friends, or simply enjoying some quiet time.
5 types of boundaries to set during the holidays
The holidays can bring a lot of joy, but they also come with expectations and pressures that can feel overwhelming. That’s why setting boundaries is so important. They help you create a sense of balance, protect your time and energy, and make room for what truly matters to you. Let’s break down the key types of boundaries you might need during the holiday season and how to set them with confidence and kindness.
1. Time boundaries
Time is one of your most valuable resources during the holidays, and it can feel like everyone wants a piece of it. Between family gatherings, office parties, and holiday traditions, it’s easy to find yourself overbooked and overwhelmed. Setting time boundaries means deciding in advance how much time you’re able (and willing) to give and sticking to that plan.
What it might look like: You might need to limit how long you stay at a family dinner, choose only a few events to attend, or block off time just for yourself.
How to communicate it: “I’d love to join you for brunch, but I’ll need to leave by 3pm to get ready for work tomorrow.”
2. Financial boundaries
Holiday expenses can add up fast, and the pressure to overspend can be hard to resist. Whether it’s buying gifts, hosting parties, or traveling to see loved ones, it’s important to set financial boundaries that align with your budget. This might mean rethinking gift-giving traditions, finding creative ways to celebrate others, or simply saying no to certain expenses.
What it might look like: You might suggest a Secret Santa instead of buying gifts for everyone in your family or friend group or set a firm budget for presents and stick to it.
How to communicate it: “I’m keeping it simple this year with small, thoughtful gifts instead of big purchases. I hope that’s okay!”
3. Emotional boundaries
Family gatherings can bring up sensitive topics, whether it’s politics, personal decisions, or past conflicts. Setting emotional boundaries means deciding what conversations or behaviors you’re willing to engage in and knowing when to step away to protect your peace (mentally and emotionally).
What it might look like: Politely steering conversations away from triggering topics or choosing not to engage in heated discussions.
How to communicate it: “I’d rather not talk about that today. Let’s focus on catching up and enjoying the holiday.”
💙 Give yourself a hefty dose of Radical Self-Compassion with guidance from this masterclass led by meditation teacher Tara Brach.
4. Physical boundaries
The holidays can feel physically overwhelming, especially if you’re navigating crowded spaces, constant physical touch (like hugs), or hosting guests in your home. Setting physical boundaries ensures your personal space and energy are respected… and that you don’t accidentally take your stress out on family.
What it might look like: Decide how many people you’re comfortable being around, let others know if you’re not feeling up for hugs, or set clear expectations for houseguests, like a firm time for the evening to come to an end.
How to communicate it: “I’m excited to host everyone! I have an early morning tomorrow, so we’ll need to wrap up at 8pm, but we’ll see each other again soon!”
5. Boundaries around traditions
Holiday traditions are meaningful, but they can also be a source of stress when they no longer align with your lifestyle, energy levels, or family dynamics. It’s okay to rethink how you celebrate and create new traditions that work better for you.
What it might look like: Opting out of certain traditions that feel overwhelming or suggesting alternatives that are more manageable.
How to communicate it: “Instead of the big family dinner this year, I was thinking we could try something different, like a casual potluck or a game night.”
How to set assertive (but nice) boundaries during the holidays
When it comes to setting boundaries, the key is to be clear, kind, and confident in your approach. It’s natural to worry about how your family will react or whether you’ll come across as harsh, but these tips will help you communicate assertively, so you’re not only respecting your own needs — you’re also showing respect for others by being honest and transparent.
Use “I” statements
Starting with “I” statements makes your boundary about your needs rather than sounding like an accusation or criticism of someone else. By framing your boundary around how you feel, you make it easier for others to understand where you’re coming from.
Try this:
“I feel overwhelmed when I have too many events in a week. I need to limit how many gatherings I attend this year.”
“I need some quiet time in the mornings to feel my best, so I’ll join everyone for lunch instead of breakfast.”
Be direct but kind
You don’t need to over-explain or apologize for setting boundaries. The clearer and more concise you are, the easier it is for others to understand and respect your limits. And it also shows that you’re making thoughtful choices while still valuing your connection with others.
Try this:
“I won’t be able to travel this year, but I’d love to video call during the celebration.”
“I can’t commit to hosting dinner this year, but I’m happy to bring a dish or two if someone else is hosting.”
Acknowledge others’ feelings
Setting a boundary doesn’t mean ignoring how others might feel about it. By acknowledging their perspective, you show empathy while still standing firm in your decision.
Try this:
“I know this tradition is really important to you, and I appreciate how much effort you put into it. I just need to celebrate in a smaller way this year.”
“I understand you’d prefer we spend the whole weekend together, but I really need some time to rest after the trip.”
Propose alternatives when possible
If you’re unable to meet someone’s request, offering an alternative shows that you care and want to stay connected in a way that works for both of you.
Try this:
“I can’t make it to the big party, but I’d love to grab coffee with you next week to catch up.”
“Instead of exchanging gifts, how about we write cards to each other this year? It feels more meaningful to me.”
Repeat your boundary if needed
Sometimes, people will push back or try to convince you to change your mind around your boundary. Calmly repeat your boundary and avoid getting drawn into an argument.
Try this:
“I hear what you’re saying, but I still need to stick to what works best for me this year.”
“I understand you’re disappointed, but this is what I’m comfortable with right now.”
7 tips for managing your family’s expectations and reactions
When you set boundaries, it’s natural for family members to have reactions and feelings, they’re human after all. While some might accept them and be understanding, others could feel hurt, frustrated, or even upset. This doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. In fact, setting boundaries often brings up emotions because it represents change, and change can be hard to navigate — especially in families with long-standing traditions or dynamics.
Here’s how to manage your family’s expectations and reactions while staying true to your needs:
1. Stay calm and consistent
When someone reacts negatively, it’s tempting to second-guess yourself or over-explain your decision to make them feel better. While it’s okay to clarify your boundary if you need to, try to resist the urge to backtrack. When you hold your ground with kindness, it shows that your boundary is non-negotiable, even if others don’t agree with it.
What to say:
“I hear what you’re saying, but I still need to leave by 8 pm so I can rest.”
“I understand that you’d like me to stay longer, but I’m sticking to my plan for this year.”
2. Practice empathy without compromising your needs
It’s helpful to acknowledge how someone else feels, especially if your boundary is new or unexpected. Letting them know you understand their perspective can soften the conversation, but it’s important not to let their feelings override your needs. Balancing empathy with self-respect helps you maintain a healthy boundary while showing that you still care about other people’s feelings.
What to say:
“I know how much this tradition means to you, and I really value it too. I just need to celebrate in a smaller way this year.”
“I understand this might feel disappointing, but I need to do what’s best for me right now.”
💙 Learn more about practicing Empathy with this session from our Relationship with Others series.
3. Offer compromises when appropriate
If a family member is upset about your boundary, offering a compromise can help bridge the gap. This isn’t about giving in or abandoning your needs — it’s about finding middle ground that respects both your boundaries and their feelings while staying true to yourself.
What to say:
“I can’t attend the whole weekend gathering, but I’d love to come for dinner on Saturday night.”
“I can’t do gifts for everyone this year, but how about we draw names for a gift exchange instead?”
4. Anticipate resistance from certain family members
Every family has at least one person who struggles with boundaries. Maybe they’re used to being in control, or they don’t understand why you’re making changes. If you know someone might push back, plan ahead for how you’ll respond calmly and firmly. Try these 10 tips to take control of your life and stay empowered in your decisions.
What to say:
“I’ve already explained why this works best for me this year. I hope you can understand.”
“I hear your concerns, but this is the decision I’ve made, and I’m sticking to it.”
5. Take care of yourself after difficult conversations
Setting boundaries, especially with family, can be emotionally draining. After a tough conversation, it’s important to recharge and process your feelings. Give yourself permission to step away and do something that helps you relax.
Try this:
Go for a walk to clear your mind.
Journal about how you’re feeling and remind yourself why your boundary is important.
Call a supportive friend or family member who understands your perspective.
💙 Listen to The Daily Trip’s A Secret to Better Boundaries for tips on setting and maintaining healthy boundaries while protecting your emotional wellbeing.
6. Know that their reactions are not your responsibility
It’s common to feel guilty when a family member reacts poorly to your boundary, but it’s important to remind yourself that their feelings are not yours to manage. You can be kind and empathetic, but ultimately, how they choose to respond is up to them.
Repeat these affirmations:
“I’m allowed to take care of myself, even if someone doesn’t agree.”
“It’s okay if they’re disappointed — it doesn’t mean I’m doing anything wrong.”
7. Give it time
If your boundaries are new, it might take your family a while to adjust. Practice patience as they practice acceptance — here are seven tips to help. Change can be uncomfortable, especially in close relationships. Be patient but firm, and, over time, your loved ones will start to understand that your boundaries are part of how you take care of yourself.
Managing expectations and reactions isn’t always easy, but it’s an important part of setting boundaries that stick. By staying calm, empathetic, and consistent, you’re creating a healthier, more balanced approach to the holidays — for both you and your family.
How to set boundaries during the holidays FAQs
How can I handle guilt when setting boundaries with family during the holidays?
Guilt is a completely normal feeling when you start setting boundaries, especially with family. Many of us are taught that saying yes and keeping others happy is part of being a “good” family member. But constantly putting others first at the expense of your own wellbeing isn’t healthy or sustainable. Feeling guilty doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong — it’s just a sign that you’re stepping out of your comfort zone and prioritizing your needs.
One way to work through guilt is to remind yourself why you’re setting boundaries in the first place. Think about how you feel when you overcommit or say yes to things that don’t serve you. Boundaries are there to prevent those feelings and help you show up for your loved ones in a way that feels good, not forced.
It can also help to reframe your guilt as a sign of growth. When you prioritize your needs, you’re actually teaching your family that it’s okay to take care of yourself. You’re modeling healthy behavior, which can encourage them to do the same. Over time, the guilt will lessen as you see how boundaries make the holidays more manageable and enjoyable for everyone. If you need more support, check out these six tips to stop feeling guilty all the time.
What are some examples of assertive communication phrases to use with family members?
Assertive communication is about being clear, kind, and respectful and isn’t about being confrontational or defensive. For example, if you need to set a time boundary, you could say, “I’d love to come to dinner, but I’ll need to leave by 8 pm so I can get enough rest.”
If you want to avoid a sensitive topic during a family gathering, you might say, “I’d rather not talk about that today. Let’s focus on catching up and enjoying the holiday.” If someone asks you to do something you can’t commit to, try, “I’m sorry, but I can’t take that on this year. I’m keeping my schedule light so I can focus on other things.”
Using these types of phrases allows you to be direct without being harsh. They help you stand your ground while showing that you care about maintaining a positive relationship.
How can I involve my family in creating new holiday traditions that respect everyone’s boundaries?
The holidays are a great time to revisit traditions and create new ones that work for everyone. Start by opening up a conversation with your family about what they love most about the holidays and what might not feel as meaningful anymore. Ask questions like, “What’s your favorite part of our holiday traditions?” or “Are there any parts of the holiday that feel stressful or overwhelming for you?”
Once you’ve heard everyone’s thoughts, share your own perspective and suggest changes that feel more manageable. So, if big family gatherings feel like too much, you could propose a smaller, more intimate celebration. If gift-giving has become stressful or expensive, suggest doing a Secret Santa or focusing on experiences rather than material items.
The key is to emphasize how the changes benefit everyone. Frame it as an opportunity to reduce stress, save time, or focus on what truly matters. You might say, “I think simplifying our traditions could help us enjoy the holidays more and make it less stressful for everyone.” When your family feels included in the decision-making process, they’re more likely to embrace the changes.
What mindfulness techniques can help me stay calm during stressful family gatherings?
Family gatherings can be joyful, but they can also be stressful — especially if you’re dealing with difficult dynamics or a packed holiday schedule. Mindfulness techniques can help you stay grounded and calm, even in tense moments.
One simple, but powerful, tool is deep breathing. If you start to feel overwhelmed, take a moment to inhale deeply through your nose for a count of four, hold the breath for a count of four, and then exhale slowly through your mouth for a count of six. This can help calm your nervous system and bring you back to the present moment.
Another technique is grounding, which involves focusing on your physical surroundings to anchor yourself in the present. If you’re feeling stressed, look around the room and identify five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. This exercise can help pull you out of anxious thoughts and into the here and now. (Here are 18 more grounding techniques to help you find your calm.
If you need a break, don’t hesitate to excuse yourself for a few minutes. Step outside, find a quiet room, or even head to the bathroom for some privacy. Use this time to check in with yourself, take a few deep breaths, or repeat a calming phrase like, “I am calm, and I am in control.” These small moments of mindfulness can make a big difference in how you handle stressful situations.
How do I deal with a family member who consistently disregards my boundaries?
Dealing with someone who repeatedly ignores your boundaries can be challenging, but it’s important to stay firm. Start by calmly restating your boundary and reminding them why it’s important to you. For example, if they keep bringing up a topic you’ve asked them to avoid, you could say, “I’ve already shared that I’m not comfortable discussing this. I’d appreciate it if we could move on to another subject.”
If the behavior continues, it’s okay to set consequences. You might say, “If this keeps coming up, I’ll need to step away from the conversation.” Be consistent in following through, as this practice reinforces that your boundaries are serious and not up for debate.
In some cases, you may need to limit your interactions with that person to protect your peace. This doesn’t mean cutting them out of your life entirely, but it might mean spending less time with them or avoiding certain situations where their behavior tends to be a problem.
It’s also helpful to remind yourself that their behavior is about them, not you. Some people struggle to respect boundaries because they’re not used to them, or because they feel threatened by change. While it’s frustrating, it’s not your job to fix their reaction. Your responsibility is to take care of yourself, and sometimes that means stepping back from relationships that consistently disrespect your needs.
By staying calm, consistent, and true to your boundaries, you can handle these situations with confidence and maintain your sense of peace.
Calm your mind. Change your life.
Mental health is hard. Getting support doesn't have to be. The Calm app puts the tools to feel better in your back pocket, with personalized content to manage stress and anxiety, get better sleep, and feel more present in your life.
Images: Getty
