Recovering from infidelity: 6 tips to help couples heal from an affair
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Explore the possible causes of infidelity, and what recovering from infidelity looks like. Plus, an affair recovery timeline and how long it takes to get over cheating.
Cheating on a partner can severely disrupt the lives of everyone involved. The physical act of betrayal and the violation of trust and intimacy can cause hurt and cast long shadows over relationships, sometimes leading to breakups. However, there can be a path to healing and forgiveness for some couples willing to undertake the difficult process of recovery.
Why do people cheat? 8 possible causes of infidelity
There are many reasons why people cheat in a relationship. While the act of cheating is the responsibility of the partner who commits it, the roots can often be traced to deeper, underlying issues within the person or the relationship, such as unmet emotional needs, communication breakdowns, personal crises, or a search for self-discovery. Understanding these underlying causes doesn’t excuse infidelity, but it can help provide a starting point in the healing process as couples take the first steps toward rebuilding trust.
1. Limited affection and emotional disconnect
When the emotional intimacy that partners once shared dwindles, they might feel lonely or neglected. This emotional gap can lead some people to seek affection or connection outside of their primary relationship, as they try to fill the void they feel at home.
2. Lack of communication
When partners fail to express their needs, desires, or concerns, misunderstandings and feelings of neglect can arise. Over time, this breakdown in communication can lead some people to look for understanding or solace elsewhere.
3. Diminished self-worth
People with low self-esteem may seek external validation to bolster their self-image. An affair can provide a temporary sense of worth or attractiveness, offering a fleeting boost to their self-worth.
4. Unaddressed marital problems
When problems are consistently ignored or left unresolved, they can erode the relationship's foundation. This can lead one partner to seek fulfillment or an escape in an affair.
5. Life transitions and stress
Major life changes, such as job loss, parenthood, or significant milestones, can put immense pressure on people and relationships. Sometimes, people use affairs as a coping mechanism to deal with stress or to escape from their reality.
6. Extended separation
Physical distance can strain a relationship, especially when it's prolonged. The lack of physical intimacy and face-to-face interaction can lead some to seek connection with others who are more immediately present.
7. Lack of commitment
Sometimes, people enter relationships without fully committing to the exclusivity expected by their partners. If the boundaries of the relationship aren’t clearly defined or respected, it can lead to infidelity.
8. Seeking variety or excitement
Some people might crave new experiences or excitement if they feel it’s missing in their current relationship. They might see an affair as a way to add this novelty or intensity to their lives.
How to recover from infidelity: 6 mindful tips for couples
Infidelity can raise fundamental questions about love, loyalty, and the very foundation of the relationship. It can be devastating for couples. As a result, recovering from infidelity requires time, forgiveness, and a commitment to growth and understanding. Both partners must be committed to understanding the reasons behind the affair, addressing the damage it caused, and rebuilding a new foundation for their relationship. With strong strategies, couples can work toward healing after betrayal.
1. Pause before deciding
After an affair is acknowledged, emotions run high, and it's natural to feel overwhelmed. Take a step back and allow time for the initial shock and pain to settle before making any long-term decisions about the relationship. This period of reflection can provide the clarity needed to decide the best path forward.
💙 Learning how to Pause To Check In with yourself can be a beneficial practice to help you get present and tune in to your emotions.
2. Engage in couples therapy
Professional guidance can be invaluable after an affair. A skilled therapist can offer a neutral space for both partners to explore their feelings, communicate effectively, and begin to heal. Couples therapy or marriage counseling can focus on rebuilding trust, improving communication, and gaining a deeper understanding of each partner's needs and experiences.
3. Confront relationship issues
While an affair is never justified by relationship problems, addressing underlying issues can be key to preventing future breaches of trust. It's important to honestly evaluate aspects of the relationship that may have contributed to the dissatisfaction or disconnection that came before the affair. By working together to identify and address these issues, couples can strengthen their relationship and build a more solid foundation for the future.
💙 When emotions are charged, learning how to Soften Hostility can help you address issues proactively.
4. Nurture open communication
Honest and open communication is essential in rebuilding a relationship after infidelity. Both partners need to feel heard and understood, which requires a commitment to listening without judgment and expressing feelings constructively. This includes delving into difficult topics, such as the details of the affair and each partner's feelings, fears, and needs.
💙 Tuning into the Listening session from the Relationship With Self series can be supportive during this time.
5. Rebuild trust mutually
Restoring trust requires consistent effort from both partners. The partner who had the affair must be transparent, reliable, and patient, understanding that regaining trust takes time. The betrayed partner, while justified in their feelings of hurt and mistrust, can also work on opening up to the possibility of trust, to help the relationship's recovery.
💙 Acknowledging your Vulnerability inside of this difficult situation can go a long way towards rebuilding trust.
6. Focus on the future while acknowledging the past
Building a positive future together involves setting new goals for the relationship, finding ways to reconnect with each other, and creating new, positive experiences together. But, both partners will also benefit from remembering the lessons of the affair, to help ensure a healthier relationship moving forward.
💙 Practicing a Loving-Kindness meditation can help you cultivate love and acceptance in this next chapter of your relationship.
Affair recovery timeline: how long does it take to get over an affair?
How long it takes to recover from an affair is unique for every couple and their circumstances. Understanding that the recovery process is a journey with ups and downs can help couples maintain perspective and resilience. Patience, commitment, and a willingness to work through the complexities of the affair and its aftermath are important for healing and rebuilding a stronger, more transparent, and more loving relationship.
Discovery and shock
This initial phase is often characterized by intense emotional upheaval, confusion, and pain. The betrayed partner may experience a range of emotions, including anger, sadness, and disbelief, while the partner who cheated might feel guilt, fear, or relief that the secret is out. It's a time for both people to process these initial feelings, perhaps with the help of a therapist.
Emotional processing
Both partners need to explore why the affair happened, understand each person's feelings, and begin to grapple with what this means for their relationship. It's a critical time for open, honest communication and for the partner who cheated to demonstrate genuine remorse and a commitment to change.
Communication and understanding
As emotions begin to stabilize, the focus can shift to deeper communication and understanding. This can involve discussing the underlying issues that may have contributed to the affair, sharing the needs and concerns of both partners, and finding strategies to prevent future betrayals.
Rebuilding trust
A slow and deliberate process, rebuilding trust involves consistent, reliable behavior from the partner who had the affair, transparency in actions and communication, and a willingness from the betrayed partner to gradually open up to trust again. It's about proving through actions, not just words, that the relationship is a priority.
Individual healing
Both partners need to engage in individual healing, as an affair often triggers personal insecurities and issues. Individual therapy, self-reflection, and personal growth activities may help. Healing individually can help in coming together as a stronger, more self-aware couple.
Rebuilding the relationship
It’s vital for couples navigating an affair to set new relationship goals, find ways to reconnect emotionally and physically, and create new, positive memories together. Learn from the past and use those lessons to build a more fulfilling and resilient relationship.
Forgiveness and moving forward
Ultimately, the recovery process aims to reach a place of forgiveness and a new beginning. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting the affair but rather releasing the pain. Both parties must accept what happened, learn from it, and consciously decide to move forward together.
Recovering from infidelity FAQs
Does infidelity pain ever go away?
The pain caused by infidelity is intense and can feel all-consuming. Over time, this pain can diminish, especially with intentional efforts toward rebuilding trust, such as therapy and open communication. However, the timeline for this healing varies for each person and can depend on factors like the nature of the affair, the couple's history, and the efforts made by both partners to work through the aftermath. It's important to acknowledge and process the pain, rather than suppress it, to truly move forward.
How do I stop overthinking after cheating?
Overthinking after an affair is a common response to the trauma and betrayal experienced. To manage this, it's important to engage in healthy coping mechanisms. These can include speaking to a therapist, practicing mindfulness or meditation, and focusing on self-care activities that promote relaxation and mental clarity. Constructive communication with your partner about thoughts and fears can also help ease the cycle of overthinking. Healing takes time, and it's okay to seek support with your emotional and mental health.
Does the guilt of cheating ever go away?
The guilt associated with cheating can be overwhelming, particularly in the immediate aftermath of an affair. Over time, and with conscious effort, this guilt can lessen. It's important for the person who cheated to take responsibility for their actions, express genuine remorse, and actively work to rebuild trust and make amends. Individual therapy and couples counseling can also be beneficial in understanding the root causes of the affair and learning healthy ways to cope with guilt. Transforming guilt into a catalyst for positive change can be a powerful step toward personal growth and healing in the relationship.
Do cheaters really regret cheating?
Many people who cheat do experience regret, especially once they recognize the pain and damage their actions have caused their partner and the relationship. Regret can motivate the person to reflect on their choices, understand the underlying issues that led to the affair, and commit to making meaningful changes. However, the depth of regret can vary, and healing can only happen if the feelings are accompanied by actions that demonstrate a genuine desire to mend the relationship and prevent future betrayals.
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