Toddler tantrums: what causes them & 6 ways to deal with them
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Why do toddlers throw tantrums and when should you worry? We share the possible causes of toddler tantrums and 6 ways to deal with tantrums effectively.
A baby may cry because they’re hungry, sleepy, or in need of a diaper change, but a toddler’s emotions can escalate quickly for any number of reasons. Toddler tantrums are a typical part of a child’s development, especially between the ages of one and three. During this time, toddlers experience intense emotions but lack the language skills to express their feelings and needs clearly, which can lead to emotional outbursts.
These times can be stressful for both toddlers and their caregivers, but recognizing the reasons behind tantrums and responding appropriately can turn these challenging moments into opportunities for growth and connection.
Tantrum vs meltdown
Parents often use the words “tantrum” and “meltdown” interchangeably, but actually, they’re different types of emotional outbursts.
Tantrums are generally an expression of frustration arising from a toddler's unmet needs or desires. They can be goal-oriented and occur when a toddler wants something they can't have or needs to test their boundaries. When your toddler throws a tantrum, it can be tempting to give in, but that can communicate to your child that screaming is an effective way to get their way.
Meltdowns are responses to sensory overload and are not goal-oriented. Toddlers can get cranky when they're tired, hungry, or uncomfortable, but they might not be able to identify or communicate their needs clearly, which can cause a meltdown. They can also occur when a toddler is so overwhelmed by their surroundings that they can’t cope with the situation. Toddlers have a much lower tolerance for stimulation, so a busy environment with too much noise, activity, or visual stimulation can overwhelm them, resulting in a meltdown.
When your toddler has a meltdown, stay calm and try to reduce overwhelming stimuli. Try to offer gentle comfort, and show patience and understanding as you give them time to settle down.
Why do toddlers throw tantrums? 3 possible causes
Toddler tantrums are often misunderstood as bad behavior, but they’re actually a critical part of emotional and psychological development. Children may throw tantrums for a variety of reasons.
1. Feeling frustrated: Toddlers are eager to do things on their own and express their individuality, but their abilities don't always match their ambitions. This can lead to frustration.
2. Testing limits: As toddlers grow, they naturally test boundaries to help them understand the world and their place within it. Saying no often or doing the opposite of what they’re asked is their way of exploring their autonomy and learning about consequences.
3. Seeking attention: Sometimes, toddlers might feel left out or unnoticed, especially if caregivers are preoccupied with other tasks. In these situations, a tantrum might be a strategy to get the attention they crave.
How to deal with toddler tantrums: 6 tips for parents & caregivers
Handling toddler tantrums effectively can help teach your child how to manage their emotions as they grow. Applying mindful strategies can help manage current tantrums, but also aid in developing your toddler's emotional intelligence.
1. Stay calm
Your response to a toddler's tantrum can greatly influence its outcome. Stay calm and composed to model how to handle intense feelings, and to help prevent the situation from escalating.
💙 Try to Breathe into Relaxation the next time you need to get centered while handling your toddler’s emotions.
2. Be consistent
How you respond to tantrums helps your toddler learn what to expect from you. This stability can reassure them, which can lead to fewer tantrums over time. Whether it's empathetic words or a comforting hug, make sure your response aligns with similar situations in the past. How you respond to a tantrum helps your toddler understand what to expect from you. Holding a boundary and offering empathetic words or a comforting hug can lead to fewer tantrums over time.
💙 Get inspired by How to Keep Going When it Gets Tough, a meditation focused on instilling new habits and maintaining consistency during challenging times.
3. Use distraction and redirection
Changing a toddler's focus from the source of frustration to something else can sometimes quickly stop a tantrum. You might point out something interesting in the environment, offer a different toy, or suggest a new activity that shifts their attention. However, remember that even if you think they’re overreacting, a toddler’s feelings are real, so be sure your response doesn’t diminish, invalidate, or ignore their emotions.
💙 Try inviting your child to practice the Balloon Breath during intense emotional outbursts to help them find some calm in their body and mind.
4. Communicate clearly and empathetically
Using simple language to express your expectations and acknowledge their feelings can be effective. Try phrases like "I know you're upset because you want to play more, but it's bedtime now" to help validate their emotions while maintaining boundaries.
💙 Practice Holding Space for your toddler’s big emotions and watch how it can benefit the way you and your child communicate — and ease conflict or tantrums — over time.
5. Set clear limits
Define what behaviors are acceptable and why certain actions aren’t allowed. For example, you might say, “You can jump on the ground, but not the bed, because you could fall off and get hurt.” This can help toddlers understand their boundaries within a safe framework. Explain the limits in a straightforward way that your child can understand.
💙 Learn tips on setting Boundaries in this guided meditation with Tamara Levitt.
6. Offer choices
Giving toddlers some control over their choices can reduce tantrums. Offer limited options, like choosing between two snacks, as this can make them feel empowered and less likely to rebel.
Is it okay to ignore toddler tantrums?
Ignoring toddler tantrums, often referred to as "planned ignoring," involves deliberately not giving attention to the tantrum. Using planned ignoring as part of a broader strategy of engagement and boundary-setting can help teach children that tantrums aren’t an effective way to communicate their needs or wants while still supporting their emotional development.
Ensure safety: Make sure your child is in a safe environment where they can’t hurt themselves or others during a tantrum. Never ignore a tantrum that involves potentially dangerous behaviors.
Determine the cause of the tantrum: Planned ignoring is most effective when the tantrum is being used to seek attention. If a child throws a tantrum because they’re tired, hungry, or uncomfortable (i.e. having a meltdown), try to address their needs.
Be consistent: Use ignoring as a consistent response to specific behaviors. If you choose to ignore tantrums that are for attention, make sure all caregivers react the same way to avoid confusing your child.
Follow up with positive reinforcement: Once the tantrum subsides, provide positive attention as soon as your child engages in appropriate behavior. This can teach them that positive behavior is a more effective way to receive attention.
Balance with attention: Make sure your child receives ample positive interaction throughout the day. Planned ignoring should be balanced with plenty of love and attention to help reinforce the behaviors you want to see.
When to worry about toddler tantrums
While tantrums are a common part of toddler development, certain signs may suggest it's time to seek further guidance from a pediatrician or a child psychologist. They can help identify any underlying issues that need attention, and can provide guidance on the best approaches for support and management.
Extreme intensity
If your toddler’s tantrums frequently involve aggressive behaviors like hitting, biting, or excessive screaming, it could be a sign that they’re struggling more than usual to regulate their emotions.
High frequency
Tantrums that occur multiple times a day or are the toddler's primary way of responding to any kind of frustration or denial might indicate underlying emotional or developmental challenges.
Long duration
Most tantrums last a few minutes. If your toddler’s tantrums regularly last more than 20 minutes, this could be a sign of deeper issues.
Developmental concerns
If tantrums seem to get worse as your child grows, or if they’re not meeting developmental milestones, it may be best to reach out to your pediatrician who may want to refer you to a child psychologist or behavioral health specialist.
Impact on daily life
If tantrums start to significantly disrupt daily routines, social interactions, or the family's ability to function normally, they may be a cause for concern.
Toddler tantrums FAQs
What's the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown?
A tantrum is typically an emotional response aimed at achieving a specific goal, like getting a toy or avoiding bedtime. It often stops when the child gets what they want or realizes their tantrum won’t work. A meltdown occurs because a child feels overwhelmed and is unable to maintain control. Meltdowns aren’t goal-oriented and typically continue regardless of external responses.
How can I prevent tantrums from happening?
Preventing or reducing tantrums can involve a few proactive strategies.
Keep a regular routine to help children know what to expect and reduce anxiety.
Ensure your child isn’t too hungry, tired, or overwhelmed.
Let your child make small choices to help meet their need for independence.
At what age do toddlers typically outgrow tantrums?
Most children begin to have fewer tantrums by around age four. At this point, their language skills have usually developed further, helping them express their needs and emotions, and their ability to manage impulses may also have improved. However, the exact age that children outgrow tantrums can vary.
How should I react publicly when my toddler throws a tantrum?
When tantrums happen in public, it can be challenging. Remember the following:
Stay calm and ignore any judgment from others as best as you can.
If possible, remove your child from the situation to a quieter or private place where they can calm down without extra stimuli.
Always reassure your child of your unconditional love.
Can certain foods or lack of sleep trigger tantrums?
Dietary factors and lack of sleep can contribute to tantrums. Foods associated with blood sugar fluctuation can sometimes be connected to mood swings and additives in some foods might also be associated with a child’s behavior. Sleep is crucial for a child’s wellbeing, so a lack of it can make them more prone to emotional outbursts.
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