10 signs you’re in a toxic friendship (and how to end it)
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Explore what toxic friendships are, how they affect you and your mental health, and 10 signs you might be in one. Plus, how to end toxic friendships and move on.
Our friends are some of the most important people in our lives, but that doesn’t mean every friendship is a healthy one. Sometimes, we might find that our close relationships actually drain our energy and negatively impact our wellbeing. These are often called "toxic friendships." Learning to recognize the signs of toxic friendship can help you identify any unhelpful patterns or behaviors in your relationships and take action to protect your mental health and wellbeing.
What are toxic friendships?
Toxic friendships are relationships that consistently impact your emotional and psychological wellbeing in a negative way. Unlike healthy friendships, toxic friendships are draining. These relationships typically lack important foundations, such as mutual enjoyment, respect, and supportive behaviors.
The word "toxic" is used to describe relationships that consistently make us feel bad or drain our energy, through manipulation or a lack of respect. However, not every tough interaction or rough patch means a friendship is toxic. Sometimes, people act out because they're dealing with their own problems or stress, and this doesn't automatically make them toxic. Always look at the whole situation and communicate openly. Simply labeling someone as toxic can be reductive. It can also ignore the complexity of human relationships and the possibility that things might get better with effort and understanding.
10 signs of toxic friendships
Recognizing the signs of a toxic friendship can help you decide whether the relationship is healthy, or whether it might be time to take a step back to protect your wellbeing.
1. Disrespect for boundaries
People in healthy friendships respect boundaries. Toxic friends often disregard and cross these boundaries, whether they relate to your time, space, or other limits you’ve set for your wellbeing.
2. Constant negativity
Interactions in a toxic friendship are often filled with negativity. Rather than feeling uplifted, you might constantly feel drained or undervalued after spending time with a particular friend.
3. Constant criticism
While constructive criticism can be a part of healthy relationships, in toxic friendships, criticism can be frequent, harsh, and unjustified. This can lead to decreased self-esteem and a feeling of being undervalued or disrespected.
4. Lack of support
In healthy friendships, achievements and successes are met with celebration and happiness. If your friend often reacts to your good news with jealousy, indifference, or annoyance, it reflects a lack of support.
5. Lack of empathy
Toxic friends often lack empathy toward your feelings. They might dismiss your emotions, downplay your problems, or react indifferently when you share something important.
6. Imbalance of effort
In a healthy friendship, both people invest similar amounts of time and energy. However, in toxic friendships, this balance is skewed. You may notice you’re always the one making plans, making contact, and offering support while receiving little in return.
7. Manipulative behaviors
Manipulation in toxic friendships can involve one person using emotional blackmail, guilt trips, or deceit to influence your decisions and actions. This manipulation is usually for their benefit and at the expense of your own needs and wellbeing.
8. Frequent conflicts
While disagreements are normal in any relationship, frequent, trivial conflicts that escalate into arguments are common in toxic friendships. Your friend might use guilt-tripping or gaslighting to win disputes.
9. Reliability issues
Consistently unreliable behavior, such as breaking promises or failing to follow through on commitments, can leave you feeling unsupported and disrespected.
10. Gossip and betrayal
If your friend often talks about others behind their backs, it’s a sign they might not be trustworthy. Gossiping and betrayal can erode trust in friendships.
How toxic friendships can affect you and your mental health
Toxic friendships can affect your mental, emotional, and sometimes even physical health. It’s important to address and resolve unhealthy relationship patterns to protect your wellbeing.
Decreased self-esteem: Constant criticism, lack of support, and disrespect can lead to feelings of inadequacy and low self-worth. Over time, this can knock your confidence, making you doubt your value and abilities.
Increased stress: Dealing with ongoing conflicts, manipulation, and negativity from a friend can cause significant stress, which may show up as anxiety, irritability, and physical symptoms like headaches or trouble sleeping.
Emotional exhaustion: The energy required to manage a toxic friendship can leave you feeling emotionally drained. This exhaustion can affect other areas of your life, reducing your ability to focus, work effectively, and enjoy other relationships.
Isolation: Toxic friends often use tactics like guilt and manipulation to keep you to themselves, which can lead you to isolate yourself from other friends and family. This can increase feelings of loneliness and depression.
Fear of conflict: Frequent, intense arguments can make you wary of conflict, affecting how you handle disagreements in other relationships. You might find yourself avoiding confrontations or feeling anxious about expressing opinions.
Distrust in new relationships: If betrayal and gossip happen in a toxic friendship, you might find yourself hesitant to trust new people. This can hold back the development of new, healthy relationships.
Physical health issues: Chronic stress from toxic relationships can lead to physical health problems, including increased blood pressure, digestive issues, weakened immunity, or a worsening of pre-existing health conditions.
How to end toxic friendships: 5 steps to help you walk away
Ending a toxic friendship can be difficult, but it's sometimes necessary for your mental health and wellbeing. With a few steps, you can begin to take action with confidence and clarity so you can move toward relationships that bring positivity, support, and joy into your life.
1. Recognize the toxicity
First, acknowledge that the friendship is detrimental to your wellbeing. This might involve reflecting on the signs of toxicity and admitting the relationship isn’t providing the support, respect, and positivity you deserve.
💙 Explore The Power of Reflection with Jay Shetty for insight into recognizing toxicity and how often you experience it.
2. Set firm boundaries
Set clear boundaries to help you figure out whether a friendship can be improved or if it's truly harmful to your wellbeing. Communicate these boundaries to your friend directly and firmly. For example, if their daily complaining brings you down, you might say, "I need to focus on positive things right now. Let's try to keep our discussions light and supportive."
💙 Jeff Warren shares his Secret to Better Boundaries in this guided meditation.
3. Decrease contact
Reduce the amount of time you spend with the toxic friend. You can do this gradually by not initiating contact as often and slowly extending the time between communications. This can help to distance yourself emotionally and can lessen the impact of the friendship on your mental health.
4. Seek support
Ending a friendship, especially a long-standing one, can be emotionally challenging. Reach out to other friends, family members, or a therapist for perspective, encouragement, and validation throughout the process.
💙 Listen to our Meaningful Practice for Meaningful Friendship series to discover the importance of nurturing positive relationships.
5. Be clear and decisive
When you’re ready to end the friendship, be clear about your decision. You might need to explain that while you value the time you spent together, the relationship is no longer healthy for you. Be respectful but firm, and avoid leaving things ambiguous, which could lead to misunderstandings and prolong the negativity.
💙 Explore communicating your boundaries and choices with the Preparing To Speak Up and Speaking Up meditations.
5 tips for healing after toxic friendships
It may take time to process and heal after walking away from an unhealthy friendship, just like any other relationship. Let these tips help you on your road to recovery.
1. Reflect on the experience
Take time to think about the friendship and its impact on you. Understand what went wrong and recognize patterns you might want to avoid in future relationships so you can learn from the experience and grow stronger.
2. Reconnect with yourself
After ending a toxic friendship, reconnect with your own needs and interests. Engage in activities that you love but might have neglected. Whether it’s socializing, hiking, painting, or anything else that brings you joy, focusing on these can help rebuild your sense of self and boost your self-esteem.
💙 Reconnect with yourself through meditation with Tamara Levitt’s Loving Kindness meditation.
3. Strengthen other relationships
Invest in relationships with family and friends who support and uplift you. These positive interactions can help restore your belief in healthy friendships and provide comfort as you heal.
4. Practice self-care
Get enough rest, eat well, and make time for mindful movement and exercise. These basic acts of self-care can greatly improve your mood, reduce stress, and help you heal. Try mindfulness practices like meditation or yoga to help center your thoughts and calm your mind.
💙 Take up a gentle movement routine, like Walk Away Stress, to boost your mood and nurture your body.
5. Seek professional help
Sometimes the impact of a toxic friendship can leave you feeling depressed or anxious. Talk to a therapist for a safe space to process your feelings and learn strategies to build healthier relationships in the future.
Toxic friendships FAQs
Can you fix toxic friendships?
Fixing a toxic friendship is possible, but it requires effort and willingness from both people involved. Both friends must acknowledge the issues within the friendship and be committed to making substantial changes. This involves open communication about the problems, setting new boundaries, and perhaps seeking help from a counselor or therapist to guide the process. However, if only one person is willing to make changes, it might not be possible to salvage the friendship.
How do I deal with mutual friends after ending a toxic friendship?
Dealing with mutual friends can be challenging after ending a toxic friendship. Explain your reasons for ending the friendship without spreading negativity or forcing others to choose sides. Encourage your mutual friends to form their own opinions, and respect their decisions to maintain their relationships with the person.
How can I attract healthier relationships in the future?
Attracting healthier relationships starts with self-awareness and an understanding of what a healthy relationship feels like to you.
Develop your own self-esteem and boundaries, which will help you choose friends who respect and support you.
Engage in social activities that align with your interests, as these can be great places to meet like-minded people.
Be open, honest, and respectful in your interactions to help attract people who value and practice these qualities.
Calm your mind. Change your life.
Mental health is hard. Getting support doesn't have to be. The Calm app puts the tools to feel better in your back pocket, with personalized content to manage stress and anxiety, get better sleep, and feel more present in your life.
Images: Getty
