Shame vs. guilt: understanding the key differences
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Explore what shame and guilt are, including their common causes and how to overcome them. Plus, understand some of the key differences between shame vs. guilt.
Shame and guilt can be powerful emotions that stem from our inner sense of right and wrong and may influence how we behave and interact with others. Although they’re closely linked, and often confused with one another, they have different causes and purposes when they come up in our lives. By exploring these emotions more deeply, we can learn how to handle them better, improve relationships, and maintain a healthier mental state.
What is shame?
Shame is a deep, complex emotion that targets our self-image. It can make us feel inadequate or unworthy, and it often arises when we think we’ve fallen short of expectations. Shame isn’t always linked to a specific action and can encompass our entire identity, making us question our worth.
Common causes of shame
Shame can be triggered by a variety of situations. Recognizing that these feelings are responses to particular circumstances and don’t define us can help us overcome shame and improve our overall emotional health.
Failing to meet personal or societal expectations: Perceived failures like not achieving a goal, making a mistake at work, or deviating from social norms can make us feel we’re not good enough.
Public embarrassment: When our actions or characteristics are negatively exposed in public, it can lead to intense feelings of shame. Triggers might be as minor as stumbling over words or more significant, like being criticized by others.
Association with stigma: Being connected to something that’s widely stigmatized, such as financial trouble, addiction, or family scandal, can evoke shame. This can make us feel judged and isolated from the rest of society.
What is guilt?
Guilt is an emotional response that occurs when we believe we’ve done something wrong or failed to meet a specific standard either we or someone else has set. Unlike shame, which focuses on self-worth, guilt is directly tied to our actions and behaviors. Guilt comes when we realize we’ve caused harm or disappointment, either to others or ourselves, and it often prompts us to rectify our mistakes.
Common causes of guilt
Guilt typically stems from specific incidents where our actions don’t align with our values. Guilt can motivate us to address and amend our mistakes, helping us maintain our moral integrity and strengthen our relationships. Better understanding what causes guilt can help us atone for our mistakes and restore our sense of ethical alignment.
Hurting someone else: Saying something hurtful in a moment of anger can lead to feelings of guilt because it goes against our principles of kindness and respect.
Violating personal or social norms: Behaving in a way that’s frowned upon by society, like lying or cheating, can cause guilt. Similarly, not living up to our own ethical expectations can also trigger it.
Neglecting responsibilities: Failing to meet the expectations in our roles, as a parent, a friend, or an employee, can create feelings of guilt. For example, missing an important family event or failing to support a friend in need.
Shame vs. guilt: 5 key differences
Understanding the distinctions between shame and guilt will help us identify which emotion we are dealing with, allowing us to address our challenging feelings constructively and find the best ways to cope and move forward.
1. Focus on self vs. actions: Shame is an emotion that can affect our entire identity, making us feel we’re fundamentally flawed or unworthy. Guilt, however, can relate specifically to our actions and behaviors. When we feel guilty, we recognize that something we did was wrong, not that we are bad people.
2. Impact on self-esteem: Shame often has a more destructive impact on our self-esteem because it makes us question our worth as a person. Guilt, while uncomfortable, doesn’t typically affect our self-esteem to the same degree because it's linked to our actions, which we can change or amend.
3. Social implications: Shame can lead to feelings of isolation because it makes us want to hide from others. Guilt, on the other hand, tends to push us toward others as we seek to make amends and correct our wrongdoings.
4. Motivation for change: Guilt can encourage us to fix what we’ve done wrong, helping us grow and learn. Shame, however, can make us feel so overwhelmed that we can’t see a clear path to improvement.
5. Duration and resolution: Guilt usually diminishes once we’ve made amends or corrected our actions. However, shame can linger because its roots lie deeper within our self-perception and to overcome it, we may need to engage in more extensive work — like therapy or deep personal reflection.
How to overcome shame and guilt: 7 tips
Overcoming shame and guilt involves recognizing our emotions, understanding their sources, and applying strategies to manage and relieve them. By applying the right strategies, you can start to heal from the negative effects of shame and guilt so they don't control your life or your sense of self-worth.
1. Practice self-compassion
Acknowledge that everyone makes mistakes and that experiencing shame and guilt is part of the human experience. Give yourself the same kindness and understanding you’d offer a friend in a similar situation. Recognize that perfection is unattainable and that imperfections are part of being human.
💙 Learn from Jay Shetty as he shares how to begin A Path of Self-Compassion.
2. Seek forgiveness
If your actions have hurt others, seek forgiveness to help alleviate guilt. It can also help with shame, reinforcing that your actions don't define your entire self. Apologize and seek reconciliation to help repair relationships and restore your peace of mind.
💙 Listen to Dr. Fred Luskin share his perspective On Forgiveness, and explain how gratitude can propel forgiveness.
3. Make amends
Take direct action to correct mistakes or mitigate harm as a practical way to deal with guilt. This could be returning something you've taken, compensating someone for a loss, or contributing positively in a situation where you previously fell short.
💙 Explore the importance of Softening Hostility during this session from the Relationships With Others series.
4. Try therapy and/or counseling
Sometimes, feelings of shame and guilt can be overwhelming or linked to deeper psychological issues. In such cases, seek professional help from a therapist or counselor. They can help you understand and process your emotions, develop healthier coping mechanisms, and offer support through recovery.
5. Educate yourself about these emotions
Learning more about what causes shame and guilt and how they affect your behavior can empower you to handle them better. Books, articles, workshops, or therapy sessions can help you understand your emotions.
💙 Labeling Emotions as they arise is a great way to recognize and begin to better understand your emotions.
6. Build a support system
Share your feelings with trusted friends or family members to help you gain perspective. A support system can provide practical advice and the emotional backing you need to heal.
7. Practice mindfulness
Use mindfulness exercises such as meditation to help you become more aware of your emotions and what triggers them. This awareness can enable you to address feelings of shame and guilt more consciously and prevent them from taking over your thoughts and actions.
💙 If you’re new to meditation, the Mindfulness for Beginners course can help you get started.
Shame vs. guilt FAQs
Why is it so hard to tell the difference between shame and guilt?
Shame and guilt are both “negative” emotions related to our sense of right and wrong. They often occur together, which can make them difficult to distinguish. Guilt is specifically about what we’ve done, especially actions that we regret or recognize as wrong.
Shame, however, can affect how we feel about ourselves. It’s not just about a single act but about feeling fundamentally flawed or inadequate. Reflecting, having open discussions with supportive friends, and reading up on the subject can help you differentiate between the two.
Are there any positive aspects of experiencing guilt?
Guilt can have positive effects. It’s a corrective emotion, which means it can prompt us to take action to fix a mistake. When we show we’re willing to take responsibility for our actions, we can strengthen our relationships and grow as individuals.
Experiencing guilt can also reinforce our moral or ethical standards, reminding us of our values and how we want to behave toward others.
Can shame or guilt lead to other mental health issues if left unaddressed?
If not properly managed, both shame and guilt can lead to significant emotional distress and may contribute to a range of mental health issues — including anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and chronic feelings of worthlessness or hopelessness.
Unresolved shame can be especially harmful because it can affect how we see ourselves, potentially leading to long-term psychological distress. Addressing these feelings through therapy, self-reflection, and support from loved ones can help us maintain our mental health.
What are some effective coping strategies for shame and guilt?
There are lots of effective coping strategies for managing shame and guilt. Explore different techniques to help reduce their impact on your emotional wellbeing.
Open communication: Talk about your feelings with someone you trust. Sharing can bring relief and provide new perspectives on the situation.
Reflective journaling: Write down your thoughts and feelings to help you process and understand them better. This practice can also bring insights on how to manage these emotions.
Repairing the damage: If guilt is related to a specific action, find ways to make amends. This can involve apologizing, replacing something that was broken, or doing a kind deed.
Self-forgiveness: Recognize that making mistakes doesn’t make you a bad person. Learn to forgive yourself and move forward.
Professional guidance: Try counseling or therapy if your feelings of shame or guilt are overwhelming or linked to other traumatic experiences.
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