How to handle friend poaching (and deal with feeling left out)
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Learn what friend (and partner) poaching is and 5 signs someone might be a friend poacher. Plus, how to handle friend poaching and deal with feeling left out.
It’s always nice when your friends get along. But what happens when they start to get too close? There’s a part of our adult brains that may think that once we leave school, feelings of being left out or snubbed by friends should be over. The truth, however, is that these feelings can persist into adulthood and they can feel just as upsetting as they did when you were younger.
What is friend poaching?
Friend poaching is the phenomenon that occurs when someone you know tries to establish a closer connection with your friend, and in the process, edges you out. You might introduce two of your friends knowing that they’d get along, but what happens if they start hanging out all the time and don’t invite you? In these instances, understandable feelings of betrayal, jealousy, and exclusion can occur.
Friend poaching often starts simply, when someone is just looking to make new friends. A person may just want to be more included in the group, or they may just get along well with someone else's friends. However, this can start to infringe on existing relationships, shifting the group dynamics. And even if no one had bad intentions, it can make you feel left out of your own social circle.
5 signs that someone might be a friend poacher
Identifying a friend poacher can be tricky as their actions might not always be straightforward — or intentional. Recognizing behaviors early on can help you address the situation more effectively to maintain healthy relationships. This can help ensure everyone in your circle feels valued and included.
1. Focused attention: Someone may show a lot of interest in your friend, frequently engaging them in conversation or trying to spend time with them alone, monopolizing their time.
2. Exclusive activities: The person might often invite your friend to gatherings or social events but leave you out. This may be a sign that they’re trying to create a separate bond and isolate you.
3. Overstepping boundaries: Maybe the person shares your secrets or gives advice in ways that undermine your relationship with your friend. For instance, they could reveal something personal about you with your friend or give advice that conflicts with your shared history.
4. Manipulative behavior: A friend poacher may flatter your friend excessively in ways that make you feel less valued or create situations that make you look bad.
5. Gossip and secrecy: They might start conversations with your friend about private matters, creating a secretive environment that excludes you. This division can make your friend feel like they have a special, exclusive connection that doesn’t include you.
How to handle friend poaching: 6 ways to deal with feeling left out
Dealing with friend poaching can be emotionally challenging, but there are ways to handle the situation in order to maintain your wellbeing and the health of your friendships. Remember, it’s always okay to seek support from others and prioritize your emotional health.
1. Communicate openly with your friend
Talk to your friend about how you feel — gently and without blaming them. Explain that you’ve noticed some changes in the dynamics of your friendship and express how it’s making you feel. This can help clarify any misunderstandings and strengthen your bond.
💙 Tamara Levitt’s Kind Communication meditation can help approach the conversation in a good headspace.
2. Set clear boundaries with the poacher
If you feel comfortable doing so, discuss your feelings with the person you feel might be undermining your friendship. Let them know which of their actions are making you uncomfortable. Setting boundaries clearly and respectfully can help keep relationships on good terms. But remember, their actions may have been taken with the best intentions — to make new friends — rather than to manipulate or cause hurt.
💙 Explore how you can set Boundaries in your friendships with more confidence.
3. Engage in self-care
Focus on activities that make you feel good about yourself and improve your emotional wellbeing. Pursuing a hobby, exercising, or spending time with supportive friends and family can help you during emotionally hard times.
💙 Lama Rad Owens’ Radical Self-Care series has 10 days of meditations perfect for your self-care journey.
4. Broaden your social network
Expand your circle of friends to help relieve the pressure and disappointment of feeling excluded. Meeting new people and forming new friendships can help provide a fresh perspective and reduce the impact of a troubled relationship.
💙 Listen to Meaningful Practice for Meaningful Friendship — a series with installments on jealousy, comfort, and acceptance — as you start to expand your social circle.
5. Focus on quality over quantity in relationships
Invest more in relationships where you feel valued and supported. Quality friendships, with mutual respect and understanding, can be more beneficial to your wellbeing than having many superficial connections.
6. Reflect on the situation
Ask yourself whether a friendship serves your best interests. When the dynamics of a friendship change, it might be healthy to take a step back and reassess.
💙 Take time for Reflection about your relationships to see if they are still serving you.
Not just for friends: what is partner poaching?
While friend poaching focuses on friendships, partner poaching involves romantic relationships and can be just as unsettling. Partner poaching can occur when someone tries to attract or win over someone else's romantic partner. This situation can be particularly challenging because it has the potential to disrupt intimate relationships and even families.
Signs of partner poaching
1. Flirtatious behavior: Often the most visible sign, the poacher might flirt openly with someone’s partner, using compliments, suggestive comments, or intimate gestures that feel inappropriate considering the existing relationship.
2. Undermining the existing relationship: A person may subtly or overtly criticize the current relationship in front of one or both partners, highlighting faults or suggesting the relationship is inadequate. They might exaggerate conflicts or misunderstandings to create doubts.
3. Creating private moments: They might make opportunities to be alone with your partner, such as planning events where they know you cannot attend.
4. Excessive communication: Texting or calling frequently, especially at odd hours, can be a tactic to forge a deeper connection, often at the expense of the existing relationship’s boundaries.
5. Gift-giving and favors: Offering gifts or doing favors without any particular occasion or reason can be a strategy to gain affection and create a sense of obligation or emotional connection with someone’s partner.
One way to avoid potential partner poaching is to have open and honest communication with your partner, setting clear boundaries with others, and maintaining a mutual understanding of respect and fidelity within your relationship. There’s nothing wrong with both partners having friendships outside of the relationship, but you may want to discuss how much time, and or how frequently your partner will spend time with other people on their own.
Are narcissists more likely to be partner poachers?
Narcissistic people can be more inclined to partner-poach.
To safeguard your relationships against narcissistic partner poaching, maintain open lines of communication with your partner. Discuss your relationship boundaries and be aware of any external influences that could pose a threat.
Recognizing the traits of narcissistic behavior can prepare you to handle these challenges more effectively, ensuring your relationship remains strong and resilient against such disruptive tactics.
Why narcissists engage in partner poaching
1. Seeking validation and admiration: Narcissists crave admiration and attention. They may see partner poaching as a challenge, or a way to validate their desirability and superiority — especially if the person they’re pursuing is in a committed relationship.
2. Lack of empathy: Narcissists typically lack empathy, which means they’re less concerned about the emotional impact of their actions on others, including those in an existing relationship.
3. Manipulative behavior: Narcissists can be skilled manipulators. They may use charm, lies, or emotional manipulation to attract someone else's partner, presenting themselves as the better, more desirable option.
4. Thrill of conquest: Successfully attracting someone else’s partner can be seen as a victory — a testament to the power and charisma of the narcissist. This often matters more to them than the relationship with the person they’re pursuing.
5. Exploiting vulnerabilities: Narcissists can detect and exploit vulnerabilities. If they notice dissatisfaction in a relationship, they might use this knowledge to position themselves as the preferable choice.
Friend poaching FAQs
How can I rebuild trust in my friendships after experiencing poaching?
Rebuilding trust after experiencing friend poaching involves open communication and patience. Have an honest conversation with your friend about the situation and how it made you feel. Express your concerns clearly and listen to their perspective as well. Reestablishing trust takes time, so give each other space to process the situation. Return to joint activities you've previously enjoyed to help strengthen your bond, and make an effort to be consistent and dependable in your friendship going forward.
Is it common to feel guilty for being upset about friend poaching?
It's quite common to feel guilty for being upset about friend poaching. Many people worry that their feelings of jealousy or exclusion are unreasonable or selfish.
Acknowledge that your feelings are valid and that feeling hurt doesn't make you a bad friend.
Understand that it's normal to feel this way to help you address your emotions constructively.
Communicate your needs more effectively to your friends.
Can friendships recover from the impacts of poaching, and how?
Friendships can recover from the impacts of poaching. Recovery starts with honest communication about each person's feelings and experiences.
Acknowledge the hurt that has occurred.
Discuss ways to move forward together.
If necessary, set new boundaries or expectations to ensure both friends feel valued and secure in the relationship.
Commit to mutual respect and understanding to help rebuild a strong friendship.
What are some red flags that my partner may be susceptible to narcissist poaching?
Red flags that your partner may be susceptible to narcissist poaching include noticeable changes in their behavior or attitudes toward your relationship. This might include increased secrecy, unexplained absences, or sudden disinterest in shared activities. If your partner begins to speak frequently about a new person who seems overly attentive or complimentary toward them, it could also be a warning sign. Pay attention to these changes to help you address potential issues early.
How can I differentiate between normal friend dynamics and poaching behavior?
Differentiating between normal friend dynamics and poaching behavior involves observing how interactions affect the overall group balance. In healthy friendships, new additions can be made to the group without disrupting existing relationships. But if you notice a new person consistently excluding others, creating secrecy, or forming alliances, these could be signs of poaching. Healthy friendships should feel inclusive and supportive, not divisive or secretive. Recognizing these patterns can help you maintain a healthy social environment.
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