How to recognize and respond to an insincere apology: 5 tips
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Learn how to recognize an insincere apology and 5 tips to help you respond to it mindfully. Plus, 3 examples of insincere apologies and potential responses.
We all make mistakes. And we all know the value of a good apology.
When apologies are genuine, they can help mend feelings of hurt and rebuild trust. However, some apologies are insincere, and the people delivering them lack genuine remorse and fail to acknowledge their mistake in a sufficient way. By learning how to distinguish between sincere and insincere apologies, you can manage your relationships more effectively.
How to recognize an insincere apology: 5 signs to look out for
Being able to identify these signs will empower you to respond appropriately and protect your emotional wellbeing in your relationships.
1. Use of conditional language to suggest the apology isn’t necessary: Insincere apologies often contain phrases like "if you felt hurt" or "if I upset you." These phrases suggest that the responsibility for feeling hurt lies with the recipient, not with the person who caused it. This conditional acknowledgment downplays the seriousness of the offense and implies that the hurt might not be valid.
2. Shifting blame to avoid accepting responsibility: It’s a clear sign of insincerity when an apology includes blame directed at the recipient or others, such as phrases like, "I’m sorry you felt that way, but you provoked me.” These statements show that the person is unwilling to take full responsibility for their actions.
3. Lack of specificity to indicate an unwillingness to acknowledge impact: A vague apology that doesn’t specifically address what was done wrong indicates a lack of understanding or unwillingness to acknowledge the full extent of what happened. A person who understands the impact of their actions and is genuinely remorseful might share more details.
4. Excuses prioritized over empathy: If the person spends more time justifying their behavior with excuses rather than focusing on the hurt caused, the apology likely lacks sincerity. A sincere apology prioritizes empathy and understanding over defending or explaining one’s actions.
5. Repetition of hurtful behavior without any attempt to change: Repeatedly apologizing for the same mistake, especially without any effort to change or improve, suggests a pattern of insincere apologies. True remorse is accompanied by a change in behavior to ensure the mistake isn’t repeated.
How to respond to an insincere apology: 5 tips
When faced with an insincere apology, responding effectively may feel like a challenge. These five actionable tips can help you address an apology that doesn't quite seem genuine.
1. Express your feelings clearly using ‘I’ statements
It's important to let the person know how their actions have impacted you and why the apology doesn’t feel sincere. Use "I" statements to convey your feelings without sounding accusatory. For example, say something like, "I feel hurt because the apology didn't directly address what happened."
💙 Learn how to put a name to what you’re feeling in the Labeling Emotions practice with Jay Shetty.
2. Request acknowledgment of specific behavior and its impact
If the apology was vague and missed the specifics of what hurt you, it’s reasonable to ask for more clarity. Requesting a clear acknowledgment of the specific actions that caused harm encourages the person to confront their behavior and understand its impact. This can be framed as, "I would appreciate it if you could acknowledge specifically what you did, as it would help me feel understood."
💙 Practice stating your needs through the subtle art of Kind Communication.
3. Set clear expectations for future behavior
After addressing the apology, discuss and agree on how to avoid similar issues in the future. Clearly articulate the changes you expect to see and discuss practical steps the person can take to prevent misunderstandings in the future.
💙 Explore how to set clear Boundaries for what you need from this person in the future in this meditation.
4. Maintain your boundaries
If the insincere apology is part of a recurring pattern, the next step is to reinforce your boundaries. Let them know what behaviors aren’t acceptable and that there will be consequences if these behaviors continue. For instance, you might say, "It’s important for me that you take responsibility for your actions. If this happens again, I will need to reconsider how we interact."
💙 Discover how to reinforce your boundaries with the Preparing To Speak Up and Speaking Up meditations.
5. Decide how to move forward
If there’s willingness to understand and make changes, repairing the relationship might be possible. However, if patterns of insincerity persist, it may be healthier to distance yourself. Maintaining your emotional health and wellbeing is the top priority.
💙 Prioritize living in your authenticity and becoming comfortable with tossing out old People-Pleasing tendencies, even if that means severing ties with people who drain you.
3 examples of insincere apologies and potential responses
These examples demonstrate how to respond to an insincere apology by encouraging clarity, accountability, and change. They can support you to guide your conversation toward more sincere and meaningful interactions.
1. The non-committal apology: "I’m sorry if there are things I’ve said that upset you."
Response: In this situation, the apology lacks specific acknowledgment of what was said and the impact it had. A constructive response would be, "I appreciate your apology, but it would help me if you could be more specific about what you said that upset me. Understanding this can help us avoid similar situations in the future."
2. The defensive apology: "I’m sorry you feel that way, but you need to understand my position too."
Response: This type of apology focuses too much on the feelings of the recipient and implies that the reaction is the problem. A good response might be, "I understand that you see things differently, but I need an apology that acknowledges what you did. It’s important for me to hear that you understand why your actions were hurtful."
3. The repetitive apology: "I know I’ve said this before, but I’m sorry for doing it again."
Response: A repeated apology for the same behavior indicates a pattern that hasn’t been addressed. Here, a firm response is necessary: "I recognize that you’re apologizing again, but what specific steps will you take to prevent this from happening again? Continual apologies lose their meaning without real change."
How to respond to an insincere apology FAQs
Is it worth addressing an insincere apology, or should I just let it go?
If the relationship matters to you then addressing an insincere apology can be very important. By addressing the issue, you promote honesty and sincerity in your relationship, both of which are key to its long-term health.
How can I differentiate between a poorly worded apology and genuine insincerity?
Differentiating between a poorly worded apology and genuine insincerity involves observing the person’s behavior who’s apologizing and the context in which the apology has been given. A poorly worded apology might still include genuine remorse and an openness to change. This is often shown through body language or their subsequent actions. Insincerity often lacks follow-through and may repeat patterns of behavior that prompted the apology. If the person makes an effort to change or shows an interest in your feelings, it's likely a case of poor wording rather than insincerity.
What should I do if I keep receiving insincere apologies from the same person?
If you find yourself repeatedly receiving insincere apologies from someone, it might be necessary to set stronger boundaries. Clearly communicate the impact their behavior is having on you and the relationship. Explain that continuing the same behavior will have consequences, such as taking a break from the relationship or seeking out professional help. It's important to stand firm on your boundaries to ensure your emotional wellbeing is protected.
Can a relationship recover after an insincere apology?
Yes, a relationship can recover from an insincere apology — particularly if both parties are willing to engage openly about their needs and expectations moving forward. Recovery involves sincere effort from the apologizing party to understand and correct their behavior, coupled with forgiveness and a willingness to rebuild trust from the other. Open communication and a commitment to change are vital for mending the relationship.
How can I encourage someone to give a more sincere apology without escalating the situation?
Encouraging someone to offer a more sincere apology can be done gently and constructively. Express your appreciation for their attempt to apologize and suggest ways to make the apology feel more genuine. For example, you might say, "I appreciate your apology. It would mean a lot to me if you could acknowledge exactly what happened and how it affected me, so I can feel understood and we can move forward." This approach builds a supportive environment that can facilitate a more heartfelt apology and strengthen the relationship.
Calm your mind. Change your life.
Mental health is hard. Getting support doesn't have to be. The Calm app puts the tools to feel better in your back pocket, with personalized content to manage stress and anxiety, get better sleep, and feel more present in your life.
Images: Getty
